1. BE ABUSIVE:
It’s truly amazing how many people think it’s okay to abuse other people, especially those they care about most. Husbands and wives frequently abuse each other. Parents and children easily fall into abusive patterns. Employers abuse their employees, and visa versa. Even pet owners sometimes take out their frustrations on their pets.
I’m not just talking about extreme physical or emotional abuse which is bad enough, I’m also including milder forms of abuse, such as daily put-downs, sarcastic remarks, other negative comments, withholding affection, refusing to talk, threatening to leave, etc.
Many people repeatedly engage in these subtle forms of abuse. Married couples especially tend to act as if their marriage license gives them the absolute right to verbally or otherwise abuse each other.
As harmless as you might think such negative interactions are, they are much more damaging to our relationships than most people appreciate.
If you want your long-term relationships to succeed, you must learn to resist these common abusive tendencies. You should resist them at all times, even if you feel justified in responding this way. “Abusive words can damage the personality of man or woman !”.
2. BE DEFENSIVE:
Research which clearly shows, among other things, that married people who repeatedly become defensive when challenged or criticized by their partner have much higher rates of unhappiness and divorce.
Being defensive is not only destructive–it shuts you off from an extremely valuable source of feedback. In order to succeed in our interpersonal relationships, we’ve got to be willing to admit when we are wrong. The only problem is, we are not usually in good position to recognize when we are wrong.
Our partners, however, are usually in excellent position to recognize when we are wrong. They are also usually more than happy to point this out to us, in the hope that we will make corrections.
If you shut out this valuable source of feedback, by always seeking to defend your actions or point of view, you will damage your relationships by not letting others contribute to you. You will continue to commit the same mistakes, over and over again, until the other person gets tired of this…and you as well.
The secret to dealing with criticism from others is not to reject it or act defensively. The secret is to listen intently to everything the other person is saying about you, and then try to find out one or more things you can agree with! Don’t automatically try to defend yourself or prove you are right. Instead, work very hard to validate, rather than reject, at least some of what the other person is saying.
If you want to have happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships, look for these “truths” and be willing to admit them.
3. BE CRITICAL:
While occasional criticism and constructive feedback is healthy in our relationships, too much of either can be very damaging. If you are constantly complaining or pointing out flaws in your partner’s behavior, this can become annoying and unattractive.
Often, people will persist in being critical of their partners because they truly believe they are just trying to help them. However, there are usually deeper, more sinister, motives at work. Many people simply want to fix, change, or control other people. They want to make them over to fit their own image or change their behavior to comply with their own standards. While this is a very common and understandable human tendency, it is another key pattern that is destructive in our relationships.
4. BE RIGHT MOST OF THE TIME:
Perhaps the single biggest mistake you can make if you want to have good relationships with others is to always try to be right in your dealings with others. Why is this so destructive? Because in order for you to be right, the other person must end up being wrong.
Most people dislike having others make them feel wrong. They will resent you for this, and even if you win the argument or get your way, you’ll pay a price later on.
It’s almost always wiser to let other people be right and have their way as much as possible. Obviously, you may not want to compromise on things that are extremely important to you, but 90% of the time, it will make very little difference one way or the other.
To keep your relationship
Whenever you’re wrong admit it,
Whenever you’re right, shut up!
5. BE SELFISH:
In addition to being right, another good way to destroy your relationships is to always be selfish and try to get your own way. Think only about your own wants, needs, and desires. Put your concerns first and consider others’ needs much less important.
This is an excellent way to destroy any type of relationship.
6. BE DISHONEST:
Another great way to destroy your relationships is to be dishonest. Tell little “white lies” from time to time. Pretend everything is just “fine” when you are really feeling angry or upset. Say you’re fully committed to another, when in fact you have some doubts.
Whatever the issue might be, it rarely works to be dishonest in your relationships. Even if your dishonesty is never found out,You will also know that it damages your relationship. When you are dishonest, you know intuitively that your relationship will be less likely to succeed.
7. BE UNFAITHFUL:
Forget the vows and promises you made to each other. Go behind your partner’s back and do something you know they wouldn’t appreciate. Justify your behavior by saying “those promises were made in the past. Things are different now.”
I’m not talking only about sexual infidelity. People often engage in all sorts of major and minor transgressions, even though they aren’t conducive to healthy, enduring relationships. Unfortunately, many let their relationships deteriorate so far, they convince themselves such behavior is justified.
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